


lungs (cap.2: liturgy)

by orphan_account



Series: enfants riches déprimés [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Drinking, Inspired by Richard Siken, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Poetry, References to Drugs, References to eating disorders, Smoking, jeno is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-09-16 12:58:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16954473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Donghyuck has words, Jeno has tattoos. Here comes love.





	lungs (cap.2: liturgy)

**Author's Note:**

> some notes: 1) cap.1 and cap.2 are not connected, both works are part of a series of nohyuck fics <3 2) the [song](https://open.spotify.com/track/4SIHl9eb65QGETPaiUnda5?si=36mc4w3tTHaBTlxEuUZr8A) of the fic! 3) hyuck is goth tho it isnt very explicit in the fic. 4) this fic is highly inspired by hunger from florence and the machine. 5) title names from el mal querer by rosalía 
> 
> thanks to [yanna](https://twitter.com/cifev_) for betaing this fic <33

Jeno can hear the blood course in his ears and the thunder of his heart on his chest. His hands shake. The music, the people, the place. It’s all a blur to Jeno’s mind. He can’t stay near that damned house any longer. He has to get away. The tune of a song he doesn’t like plays in the background as he goes outside to take some fresh air.

 _Why is he here anyway?_ He keeps doing things he doesn't want to.

Jeno needs to smoke. Now. He heads to the further corner in the patio of the house and lights a cigarette, he closes his eyes and tries to put his mind in place. He takes a drag with shaking hands, he sucks inwards, breathing in, nicotine expanding inside his lungs.

Once, twice.

Until reality settles down again and he doesn't feel like he's being disfigured, as if someone was looking at him through a fisheye lens.

Jeno opens his eyes and looks at the house, the windows are large enough to see everything that’s going on inside.

There’s people dancing, plenty. But Jeno only pays attention at Donghyuck on the center, dancing with Renjun. His arms are around him while they grind on each other, almost erotic. Donghyuck is laughing, rolling his hips and having fun. He moves gracefully, captivating. Donghyuck's body rolls to the beat and Renjun holds his waist tightly.

They’re on fire. Their legs are intertwined, rubbing against each other, their foreheads are touching and in a moment Renjun’s lips are on Donghyuck's neck and his tongue licks all over it. Donghyuck laughs and lifts his head, giving Renjun more space to go on.

It’s sensual. It’s hunger. It’s lust.

—

“You don’t really enjoy this, do you?”

Jeno puts the cigarette in his mouth and locks eyes with Donghyuck, they’re deep dark. It’s everything black with him, his messy hair, his shirt with the initials _MJ_ stamped on it, his ripped jeans, his nails. Jeno’s going to burn if he keeps staring at him like this.

Donghyuck was just done dancing with Renjun a few minutes ago, when Renjun grabbed him by the hand and took him somewhere else, Donghyuck followed him, maybe to mess around a little more in private. Jeno couldn’t know, but he could see the hickeys on Donghyuck’s neck.

“What?”

“The party… the people.”  he says it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, like he knows him, like he cares. Donghyuck’s laugh echoes through his ears and he takes a drag from the cigarette in his hands. He breaths in quickly and grimaces.

“Why would anyone ever try this? It’s disgusting.” he hands the cig back to him.

Jeno giggles.

“You get used to it.”

—

At seventeen years old Jeno tries to starve himself. He’s searching for a excuse, for an answer. He thinks love must be empty, but the hunger. The hunger is real and it's called loneliness. 

Jeno starts hanging out with completely new people. One of them is Jaemin, dangerous and restless. The kind of guy mothers don’t let their daughters hang out with. But he makes Jeno fit in, he goes to parties and drinks. Jeno takes his first cigarette.

He chokes, chokes, and chokes.

Until he doesn't anymore.

—

The first time he met Donghyuck, they're outside in the front yard of one of Jaemin’s older friend's house, but he knows him as _Mark’s Boyfriend_ by that time. Jeno would see them at campus holding hands from time to time. Mark is Jaemin’s friend per se, and Donghyuck is Jaemin’s friend too.

That day Jeno plans to get so high he’ll be able to touch the face of God. At three in the morning the colors melt together and he can only make out Donghyuck’s voice in the stupor of the party.

“It’s okay, you’re doing it great.” Jeno grips the sink harder as Donghyuck pets his hair lightly.

He’s fucked up, he’s in total shit right now, so drunk he can’t even remember how to go home. Jaemin is nowhere to be seen and he’s completely alone in the bathroom with _Mark’s Boyfriend._

“Where’s Jaemin?” Jeno pleas, trying not to puke again.

“He’s outside.” Donghyuck reassures him. His voice is so calm and steady, it makes him feel safe. “It’s okay, Jeno. You can go if you want.”

Jeno holds back, breathing rapidly. “You can go whenever you want, you don’t have to wait for Jaemin.”

After four shots, he doesn't remember puking, falling down multiple times or ending up in the bathroom with Donghyuck. He does remember dancing with him though. Donghyuck steading Jeno and putting his arms around his shoulders, the lights blinding him as Donghyuck smiled at him.

—

Six months later, Donghyuck isn't Mark’s boyfriend anymore.

—

There’s a scar below his collarbone that he doesn’t remember how it ended up there. There’s a rose on his shoulder that was inked on his mother’s birthday. There’s a bandaid on his left cheek. A shiver runs down his spine at the sensation of Donghyuck's fingers rubbing the fragile skin. Jeno blinks, twisting under his touch.

“What happened?” Donghyuck asks and his eyes cloud with worry.

“I fell.”

There are words and there aren't.

—

On the eastside boys are not easy to love, Jeno wonders if living a life bundled with episodes like this is worth living. His heart is sliced in two, open to the view, bleeding. His grandmother tried to love him, but his life smells like a tragedy, of blood on the first four knuckles.

Jeno doesn’t blame her.

With chapped lips because of the winter, he tries to hold warmth close but not so close. The soft pale skin, the way Jeno must smile and know they don’t mean the hurtful things they say.

But damn if there isn't anything sexier than a sun-kissed boy with warm hands, heart-shaped lips and a smile that promises the sky.

—

They don't talk about how they gravitate towards each other, about the way Jeno smiles when Donghyuck is with him. About the short fleeting kisses Donghyuck steals from him when they say _goodbye_ or _hello,_  about the feelings he tries to hide or the special moments in Jeno’s dark room, about the fact that they became an extension of each other without realising. They don’t talk about Mark or Donghyuck's scars.

They don’t talk about it because Jeno understands and because he won’t hurt Donghyuck, because they are, in a way, something else, something special. _It’s something like starving_ , Jeno thinks, but not quite the thing itself.

—

“It’s all yours.” It’s what Renjun says when he throws Donghyuck into his arms around three in the morning while the party for Jeno’s birthday is still raging downstairs. “It’s time for his bed time.”

“No, I’m fine, I swear.” Donghyuck pouts, trying to keep balance but nonetheless falling in Jeno’s hold, he hugs him hiding his head into his neck.

“No–wait.” Jeno says, but Renjun laughs and leaves them alone. Jeno feels lost for a moment. He can feel Donghyuck’s breath fanning on his Adam’s apple and he shivers, tightening his grip on Donghyuck’s waist.

“Do you want to go to bed?” Jeno asks, bending down his head to whisper on his ear.

“Mhmm, no.” Donghyuck shakes his head with his forehead pressed to Jeno’s chest. “Unless…”

“Unless what?” Donghyuck looks up and Jeno cups his head with his two hands, pressing his cheeks together and making his pout look more evident. What is making him braver than he is, is beyond him. Jeno’s eyes turn to crescent moons.

“Unless you go with me.” Donghyuck giggles on Jeno’s hands, throwing a kiss and winking at him.

“Alright.” Jeno laughs and takes him by the hand. Donghyuck wraps his hands on Jeno’s arm, rubbing his cheek on the thin material of Jeno’s sweater.

”I think I smoked something weird.” Donghyuck mumbles as he rubs his eyes with his knuckles, trying to suppress a yawn. Jeno just laughs and continues to drag him inside the room.

Donghyuck kicks his shoes off. “And then there was this Yukhei dude… he kept talking about this girl he tried to impress…” He continues as he takes off his sweater, letting it drop to the floor.

“And he was so fucking boring and dumb, like I understand why this girl wouldn’t go out with him. He said he turned vegan for her and something about not hurting anything living intentionally. ”

“Maybe he was just trying to impress you?” Jeno sits on his bed pulling the covers off, patting the mattress.

“I don’t care.” Donghyuck just glares at him as he climbs on the bed. “I thought I would fall over in the middle of the conversation or murder someone. I just wanted to smoke my weed in peace.”

Jeno sits down next to him. “Don’t be like that. He’s a nice guy.”

Donghyuck lays down on his back and makes himself comfortable against the pillows. “I don’t care about any of them. They can choke and die, I don’t want any guy to hit on me.” He has this look in his eyes that makes a shiver crawl up his spine. Those two black holes looking threatening, even terrifying, they promise every word he says.

Before he could reply, though, a coyly smiles appears on Donghyuck's soft features. “But not you. I’d let you break my heart.”

Jeno shows a sad smile at that, laying beside him. Donghyuck traces a pattern on the Orion constellation tattooed on his collarbone. Jeno wants to be kind and loving, he wants to forgive the world for how deeply it has hurt him. He wants Donghyuck. He wants him so bad the desire could eat him alive.

“Sorry, I’m such a shitty friend, I shouldn’t be here taking your time when you should be downstairs celebrating your birthday.”

Jeno smiles again. “I don’t care.”

He wants to love, to live, but his hair smells like smoke. They're so close, enough for him to see exactly where the brown in his eyes fades to black. “But it’s your party, you should be there.”

“I don’t want it. It’s not mine, it’s theirs.” Jeno whispers as the air in his lungs vanishes, as the stars melt like sugar, as the music blasts out, as he tries to make him understand. “They can choke and die.”

_But not you._

—

Donghyuck puts both of his hands in Jeno's pockets and says, “It’s cold.”

“I know.”

The fact that Jeno can feel his pulse, the warmth that he irradiates, he sees the way he pulls his body in, out of shyness or shame or a desire not to disturb the air around him.

Jeno reaches and brushes his fingertips against Donghyuck’s knuckles. They stand in the cold for longer than they should, exchanging glances and smiling timidly.

—

The day Jeno wants to kiss Donghyuck, he drowns that feeling with alcohol and nicotine, and some other drug. The _hunger_ , it’s here again. A feeling he thought he buried deep down, an ache that he can't ignore. Donghyuck is taking his breath away, stealing his mind.

Maybe there’s faith in the way he wants him. Like he never wanted anything more in his life.

“You’re high.” Donghyuck says, hiding a shy smile with his hand. He touches him in the cheek, and maybe Donghyuck is right. He’s more than high. “Let me take you to the room.”

Jeno complies, following Donghyuck through the corridors. He holds him by the hand and heads him to the closer bedroom. Jeno flops on the bed and Donghyuck sits beside him, touching his cheek with delicate fingers, pulling away the locks of his forehead.

“You’re far too young to die, Jeno.” he hums, taking Donghyuck’s hand and leaving soft kisses on his knuckles.

“Before I die, I…” he articulates, too drowsy to even speak clearly. “I want… I want to…”

_Kiss you? Have you? Love you?_

“Shhh, you aren’t going to die, silly.” His voice is honey-like, and Jeno wants to taste it. He falls asleep at the humming of the music outside, holding Donghyuck's hand.

—

Donghyuck runs to Jeno shouting the words  _Look_ and stands in front of him, lifting his shirt to show him his soft stomach. Shining, there's a metal object hanging from his belly button. A piercing. Jeno's jaw drops and he's faced eye-level to it. Donghyuck folds his shirt up and ties him around his waist to show off the metal piece. Jeno endures the urge to pass his tongue through Donghyuck's belly.

He licks his lips in an attempt to hide it.

“How sexy.” It’s all Jeno says.

“I know right.” Donghyuck winks at him.

—

The hunger has a name now, and it’s _Donghyuck_ ; his sleek laugh, the sunbeams flaring in his skin and darkness for hair.

“What are you and Renjun?” Jeno asks, looking down on the hand Donghyuck is holding while he paints Jeno’s nails.

“Uh?” Donghyuck carefully takes one of his fingers and paint its nail, very focused on making them perfect.

“You and Renjun, are you dating?”

Donghyuck looks up and grins. “Why? Are you jealous?”

“Why would I be?” Jeno dodges his mischievous smile and his suspicious eyes.

“Because you like me, duh?” Donghyuck takes his hand and blows at the nails to make them dry, his penetrating gaze on him.

For a moment, Jeno feels like there’s no more air for his lungs to breathe, he leaves all traces of courage aside and only nods his head, without any idea if Donghyuck had seen the movement. And in his lack of words, Jeno thinks that he will never speak again without controlling the urge to confess now and at this moment how much he likes Donghyuck.

“But we aren’t a thing, you know.” Donghyuck trails off almost shy. “Because, I—I like you too.”

Words come so easily for Donghyuck, they fall from his lips like water, when all this time they’ve felt like fire in Jeno’s veins, like hunger, like sacrilege.

—

When Jeno first awakens, it’s because the curtains weren't shut and the rays of sunlight manage to hit him exactly on his face. It’s Sunday morning, he knows this because he sees the date on the digital watch on the nightstand. Jeno notices Donghyuck's To The Best Brother cup.

_Fuck._

It’s 9 A.M on a Sunday and Jeno wakes up in Donghyuck’s bed and he knows he fucked up, his face feels sticky and salty.

He wakes up with Donghyuck besides him and he stops thinking. Donghyuck is lying next to him, breathing quietly with closed eyes, Jeno presses his finger and thumb on his eyelids, trying to remember how he managed to fuck up this time.

“You’re awake.” Donghyuck opens his eyes and moves around a little, rearranging his limbs so that he lays staring right at Jeno's eyes. There’s smeared makeup on his face and Jeno feels a twist on his stomach. “You were a mess last night.”

Jeno feels embarrassed, he groans. “You tried to fight Mark… It was scary.”

Donghyuck giggles a little. “But kind of hot, also thank you.”

He tries to make up for the bits he can’t remember, but all he manages it’s to settle a headache on the left side of his brain, and images and sounds that make no sense to him.

He only remembers Donghyuck. Donghyuck besides him, Donghyuck caressing his hair, Donghyuck patting his back. And the feeling of being anything but honest in that moment.

“You told me you’re in love with me, while you were on the sink, puking your brains out.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” Jeno feels suffocated, suddenly the distance between them feels too short.

“You’re sorry for getting drunk, fighting my ex and puking or because you said you’re in love with me?”

“I’m sorry for not ruining your ex’s annoying face.” Donghyuck laughs and Jeno laughs with him. He shakes his body and Jeno looks down at his collarbones. “I will try to do it next time.”

“You don’t need to.” Donghyuck gets up and moves to Jeno’s space, he sits on the bed and brings his legs up to place them around Jeno’s sides, straddling his hips. He bends down, leaving their face just millimetres away. “But you’re in love with me, aren’t you?”

“I am.” he confesses, with what it is a stupid smile on his face and puts his hands on Donghyuck’s knees.

Donghyuck laughs and Jeno feels the warmth of his skin. He feels air, light, and spring.

_I am. I am. I am. I am._

—

The kiss feels like bliss, like a blessing, like devotion.

Donghyuck has no mercy when it comes to love. He gives and gives and gives. Jeno can’t do anything else than stay still and let him do as he pleases. He closes his eyes and lets the adrenaline take place like no other drug has done it. Donghyuck is everywhere, on Jeno’s lap and over his arms, licking slowing his wet lips, pink tongue passing through. It feels like heaven and Jeno realizes he will never have enough.

They’re kissing but also, they can’t stop breaking away to look at each other, as they steal each other’s breath. Unexpectedly, Donghyuck is licking his upper lip and maybe because he doesn’t think Jeno would do it, he sucks his tongue inside and Donghyuck moans and grabs onto Jeno tighter. His tongue slips inside his mouth, demanding. And it’s nothing like he had experienced before, his body dissolves into Donghyuck’s, his fingers grip his hair, pulling him.

He’s never wanted anyone else the way he wants Donghyuck.

Jeno feels him, all of him, Donghyuck’s body on top of his, pressed against him. All he wants is to breath him, lick him, drink him. His hands are everywhere, and it doesn’t matter that his mouth is already on top of Jeno’s, all he wants is Donghyuck closer closer closer.

—

It’s late at night and Jeno’s blinded with the city lights in his eyes. All they do is walk, missing the neon signs. Their pinkies brushing against the other.

“Seoul never felt like home to me.” Jeno aches for the feeling of Donghyuck soft lips on his. The polluted city eats the stars and smoke comes out of his mouth.

They come to Jeno’s enormous house and Donghyuck takes him by the hand and runs, his laugh echoes down the hallway. He punches him against the door and kisses him fervently. Jeno knows there’s no time now and even if there was, that it is all, somehow, beside the point.

Donghyuck is messier than Jeno's bedroom floor, but his worn out sweaters are Jeno's favorite piece of clothing; sometimes the chaos that Donghyuck leaves behind becomes a safe place for him to rest.

—

Donghyuck’s skin on his hip feels warm, soft against the cheek Jeno rubs against it, gently touching his thigh while he lays there with his arm over his head and the other one playing with Jeno’s hair.

Jeno only finds religion in the soft spots on Donghyuck’s skin.

“Are you okay?” Jeno asks and runs his fingers through the thin line that shows Donghyuck's skin under his t-shirt. He goes slowly, until he push Donghyuck's shirt up by lightly touching him on his stomach first, he touches his piercing carefully and places one kiss on his belly.

“Stop, it tickles.” Donghyuck giggles. Jeno pushes himself up to place both hands on Donghyuck’s sides and look at him in the eyes.

Donghyuck throws his hands over Jeno’s shoulder, bringing him closer, curling his fingers around the base of his nape, encircling his legs around Jeno’s hips and embracing him tightly, while Jeno ducks down, wet mouth latching onto Donghyuck’s neck.

Jeno is just a lonely boy in a lonely city with ink wings tattooed on his unburnt skin. He falls into Donghyuck's bed like it's the sea and melts into his arms like he’s the sun, he drowns and drowns and burns.

**Author's Note:**

> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/ldh) ♡
> 
> guys im looking for a beta if anyone is interested!!


End file.
